Mike Adams’ Top 5 Major Cities & Some Tips To Consider When Visiting Them

1. NEW ORLEANS – When in new orleans, especially during mardi gras; you might find yourself stiffled by the extreme behavioral tolerance displayed by the local law enforement… the french quarter is as close to an anarchist society as I have ever seen amidst uniforms, badges and firearms… Your open containers and public drunkenss are welcome with open arms, and no matter what time of day or night you can walk into a bar, order a beer, and even super size that son of a bitch if you are so inclined…But beware of this; if you get caught pissing in an alley or anywhere else other than those places specifically designated for urinary deposits, you can bet from out of nowhere five officers with raging hard ons will magically appear, rough your ass up and beat your ass all the way to jail… sidenote: during mardi gras the jails fill up really fast; so it is concievable that you could be held in a louisiana prison while waiting for a bail out or the next available court date. Do not even fuck with trying to get away with pissing in public…they’ll fucking nail your ass! Also, don’t get all fucked up and start swinging at everything that moves…that’s the next quickest way to end up in the back of a wagon getting your ass thrashed in route to sleeping off your hangover on a concrete floor decorated in a myriad of vomit and piss.

2. WASHINGTON D.C – If you can afford it, stay at the Hotel Helix and take full advantage of their daily hour of complimentary champagne. From 5pm until 6pm a social drinker can ingest just enough champagne to maintain some fashion of dignification for the duration of the evening…But the sexual drinker reveals in the two fisted method, never once apologizing for any level of deviance that comes from being a competitive individual who simply views an hour of complimentary champagne as a bunch of assholes making every attempt to mock a true midwestern breed of alcoholic. The hotel staff was shocked saying, And I quote, “ We’ve never had anyone drink as much champagne than the two of you.” With my biggest shit eating grin I replied, “Man, we’re from Southern Indiana; this is what we do!”

3. LOS ANGELES – Never walk into the Tangiers on a Monday night without a bamboo stick and knowledge of the secret handshake. Accept the fact that the ideal designated driver can still consume 15 beers and a martini and successfully manuvere a van down Sunset Strip…. When purchasing beer on Sunset Strip, expect the vagrants to either ask you for your change or one of your beers once you exit…if you can spare a brew, throw one of them a bone and tell the others to go fuck themselves. North Hollywood Blvd is a camp for the homeless, and those bastards are clandestine in many ways, using newspapers and empy boxes to camouflage their presence on the streets… watch for piss streams random piles of vomit. The North Hollywood air reaks of a fine blend of urinary aromas… 

4. CHICAGO – Spring doesn’t officially begin until somewhere around June…always be prepared to put on a goddamn sweatshirt. RA Sushi on N. State Street is kickass for any sushi enthusiast. Chinatown after dark is as good of a place as any to score opium…

5. NEW YORK CITY – NYC blocks are way fucking bigger than the average city block. If Converse Chuck Taylors are your prefered foot fashion, I strongly suggest that you reconsider your choice of footware before beating the streets of Manhattan. I made the mistake, walking from the corner of 17th and 3rd down to Times Square… If you’re there on New Years Eve the NYPD stop letting people into Times Square really fucking early, but once you’re in you realize that even though its an amazing sight to see, its really annoying and a better time can be had in the Chealsea District with strange eccentric junkies. If you’re a grilled cheese lover, as most of us are, know that a NYC grilled cheese come with a slice of tomato on it…and it’s really fucking good. Pizza by the slice is a common late night/early morning choice for anyone with a bad case of the beer munchies… The average slice cost somewhere in neighborhood of about three bucks. You’ll be tempted to get two & you’ll curse the idea of paying six bucks for two pieces of pizza, but once you actually see the size of the cut you’ll find yourself pleased…Grocery stores are relatively non-existent in Manhattan; instead you have Bodega’s which serve up beer, bread, milk, etc… and depending on which one you choose to do business with, those motherfuckers will send some Asian on a bicycle to deliver your order…it’s gorgeous. If you book a room at a motel that describes their rooms as European what that basically means is that you will be sharing a bathroom with everyone on your floor. Your room will have a bed, and a small sink…so after a long night of drinking prepare to become one of the elite – a sink pisser! It’s a matter of convienience…….. Taxi’s are great and not nearly as expensive as they are in places like Chicago and Los Angeles. You cannot tell your driver that you need to get to 666 W 42nd; you must speak in terms of cross streets – 26th and 3rd please. Also, the last time I checked, it cost six dollars to get into NYC, but nothing to leave!

 

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